Save me?
by Missy Holland
Summary: What do you do when you feel like I do? SLASH!


**A/N: It's been some time since I wrote a story, but I thought why not give this a shot. I've had the first half of the story on my computer for over a year, but never finished it. Now I've done that, and this is the result.**

**DISCLAIMER: not mine; never will be. The 'Save me?' in the end isn't the NCIS quote, I'd never seen that particular episode when I wrote it. I have now, and it's a very good scene when Ziva says that though! **

**Enjoy!**

What do you do when you feel like I do? I can't focus when she's near. I can't focus on my work, on my coffee, on my breakfast or even my phone calls. She distracts me, in a way nobody ever has done before.

When she's near all I can see is her hair, the way it's in her face, her eyes that are a marvellous colour I've never seen before, the hint of cleavage makes my throat turn dry and makes my hands sweat.

Her smile when she sees me staring at her again, and the way she walks with that little extra sway of her hips.

But at the same time the agonizing fear and pain I feel when I wake up or when I see her laugh with other women.

At night I can dream of her, but when I wake up, sweating and her taste still on my lips and hands, she's gone and I can't stop the tears from appearing in my eyes, because this burning desire has been here so long.

She's what makes my life worth living, the day that follows on the lonely nights, the silencer of the cries, and the one who makes me suffer.

She's the one I need, and yet she's the one I love to hate. She can be rude, she can be ignorant, she can be stubborn and she sometimes is a real pain in the ass.

But at the same time she's all I need, she's unique and she's a rough diamant waiting to be discovered by someone who'll take her in and never let her go. I could be that one but she doesn't see me anymore.

We've dated for a while, but she thought we weren't meant to be. She told me she wasn't going to wait for me to break her heart. And then she was gone, in a minute she wasn't with me anymore and I just had to accept that.

She's hurt me in so many ways that I can't describe how much I miss her. I miss waking up next to her warm body, I miss her taste, I miss her kisses and her touch.

I miss our love making, our bodies tangled up, sweating and trying to fill each other completely. I miss her face when she's close to the edge, and I miss her husky voice when she moans my name.

I miss making out with her on the couch, my hands in her hair, her soft lips and her delicate face I'd shower with kisses. I miss her cooking, I miss her….

But most of all I love her.

These past weeks have been hell, she's there, but not with me and I am getting desperate. I need to do something to stop this hurting. The desire, the lusting after her and the longing to be with the one I so love. I love her with all of my heart, body and soul. I would get my hopes up when she smiles, and fall down even harder when she smiles at other women the way she used to smile at me.

Those warm bedroom eyes aren't for me anymore, she wakes up in somebody else's bed. Her body and her taste are now for someone else to touch. And she makes me watch her interact with that person.

Oh, I know she's happy now. I can see that all too well, but she's just forgotten about me. I have to work with her every single day and what stings the most, is that I now even have to work with her new lover. I just wish there was something to cure this pain I feel, to fill this hole in my heart and to make the emptiness just a bit better.

I can't move away, because I'll keep in mind how she let me down and how happy she's now. I'll always see her when I fall asleep, smiling at me and kissing me. She used to make me melt, but as much as I love her, I hate her even more. I hate her for leaving me. I hate her for making me so weak and fragile. I hate her.

I hate her for making me love her.

Everything I'll ever do will revolve around her, around a ghost I've once loved. And everyone will be able to see that. They will see this look in my eyes, the desperate lost look I've been seeing in the mirror these past weeks. A tired look, a look of lost love I hate so much. I always thought those people weren't good enough to be loved, but I never knew that it was this bad. I feel like nobody can ever love me again the way she does. And I have peace with that. If she won't have me then nobody will.

_She's been looking at me again. I don't want her to look at me, but she still does. She looks when she thinks I can't see her. But she doesn't know I always see her. I see her in my dreams, I see her in other people's faces. I see her in my heart. _

_What do you do when you feel like I do? When you don't want to be with the one you love. There's a fairytale waiting for me at the end of the rainbow, but I don't wanna cross that bridge. I don't want to be with her. _

_I can't be with her. She'll break my heart eventually. She'll make me die inside every day a little bit more. _

_I should be happy with my new partner. I should be feeling on top of the world. And I do, but there's just still that little piece of me that'll never let her go._

_She hates me; I can see it when I catch her eye. There's a want in her eyes that makes my knees go weak, that makes me feel all warm inside, and yet there's that glint of danger that makes me want to hide. The real evil part of her that she doesn't even know she possesses. That's what actually scares me about her. God, how I love her, but in the end, I'll live._

_Because I don't want to end up empty. _

_She'll want more every day; she'll want me to be there forever and ever. She'll love me, but she'd want me to love just the same. And I can't love her so much; her love is too much for me. It's suffocating and embracing. It's a storm, but there won't be just a single minute of calmness, she'll keep on raging and taking until there's nothing left. _

_And then she'll leave with a broken heart, thinking that she's not enough. Thinking that the only reason she's left is because she's unworthy. _

_She doesn't know she's so strong. She thinks she's left because she's weak. She blames it on herself, for the wrong reasons. She'll believe that the only reason is that she's a piece of shit. So every next relationship she's in will be even worse. And I don't want to be the person to tell her that, or the one who's left empty. _

Here I am again, alone again. Nothing's here but me and my grief. The hallow shell that once was my heart is beating fast. I figured it out.

I know why she left me. I saw it in her eyes. Every time I pinned her against a wall, and all the times I just asked if we could lie down and cuddle.

I'm too much for her.

She thinks I won't ever find out that it's the reason why she left me. But it's true. Did she really think I'd never go look for clues as to why every relationship I've ever been in never lasts?

I love too much, I want too much, I work too much and I drink too much.

Is that how I'm supposed to live my life? Doing everything with too much of my heart poured in? Will I survive if I do that for another 60 years? Being left alone for the rest of my life, is that worth living?

I guess not.

So, the million-dollar-question is here: Should I end it? Should I end my life?

I don't know, if I do I'll never hurt anyone again. If I don't, I might still have a shot at meeting someone who's just like me.

Big dilemma here.

Save me?


End file.
